Why do we tip our hats to a priest and why do we call him Father?
He is like Christ and how do I know, Holy Orders made him so….
The words to a childhood song spring to my memory as I vacuum the floors and wipe down benches. There was a series of such songs I learned as a child, all related to the sacraments. From birth to death.
Extremeunction [anointing of the sick] gives us sorrow and joy
Helping all of us to enter into heaven.
Yes, to fortify and help us get to heaven,
Extremeunction takes away all of our pain.
I’m hazy on the words here.
The easiest to remember:
For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer,
In sickness and in health until death do us part.
We take this vow in marriage and God gives us grace
to meet all obligations, trials, and duties we must face.
What God hath joined together, let no man tear asunder.
This sacrament is permanent and cannot be undone.
God gives us the grace for what life has in store
And grace to love each other more and more.
There was a song for Communion, for confession, baptism, and the rest, all designed to teach little children the importance of these sacred rites.
I thought such words might lead me somewhere, instead they drag me into a cul de sac of memory that goes nowhere. Like the cul de sac of religion, it has a circular feel.
You go in at one point and come out on the other side of the road from where you began.
The past is like a chaperone. It travels beside you wherever you go. It might hide from view or stand in the shadows, but it’s always there. And like a chaperone, it keeps an eye on you, whether you want it or not.
It’s a pity. This metaphor holds patriarchal overtones. Chaperones once accompanied young women in the absence of parents or guardians to keep an eye on them and protect them from their own or anyone else’s mischief.
The word chaperone speaks of possession and leaves me cold. Still to think about the past in this way, as the person in charge, who’s there to make sure you don’t get up to mischief, seems a reasonable analogy. All for the sake of propriety.
Chaperones in literature usually take the form of older women, past their prime, who have no interest themselves in getting up to no good and certainly have a vested interest in keeping their young charges pure.
They kept you from that secret night tryst with your forbidden friend, kept you away from anything of which your parents might not approve.
That’s about where the analogy ends. Therapists are not chaperones.
When people front up for therapy they have an opportunity to tell their life story to an interested listener who offers prompts and observations about the way events from your past might coincide with the present.
When we write our story however and put the details of a life onto the page, there is no therapist other than the one in our minds to guide us along, to help us decide what bears mention and what gets left behind.
Far more is left behind than enters the space of a memoir, as any one life could fill multiple volumes depending on the approach each writer takes in deciding what bears reflection.
It’s like plucking a rock from the ground, scraping off any surface dirt to reveal what’s hidden beneath. It might turn out to be a diamond, or a sapphire. It might be an opal or a simple lump of quartz. Fool’s gold or simply a splodge of clay. Whatever. In the writer’s hands, the story takes shape.
And the shape of our past is coloured by the present, by the way we see our experiences today building in the opposite direction. Once we have reached the bedrock, the point of our story, the core of any memory, we begin to dress it with meaning.
We find layers of clothing with which to drape our memory so that it morphs and twists, now this way, from this angle. Now that. The story refuses to stay still. It wants to find new forms of expression. And it wants other eyes to look upon it.
The imagination of the writer kicks in, whether from their child perspective or an adolescent self, right though the various stages of adulthood into old age if the writer is lucky enough. And always the perspective alters. It refuses to sit still, and the writer, if willing and able, might then put on the shoes of another and flick their memory into that other mind, to try it out from their perspective.
To imagine what this memory looks like from someone other than the central character of what once was the writer’s memoir. This memory also keeps shifting.
Academics undertake reams of research into the nature of memory: how fickle it is, how much it changes shape over time, always with the addition of fresh clues. As through repeatedly examining a photograph. The way we felt when the photograph was taken, if indeed we are present in the photo. Or even if not in the photograph we can begin to imagine ourselves nearby.
Memory and imagination overlap, close cousins of the mind. They poke and prod one another. Memory pulses with emotions from the past and stirs up hidden aspects of our histories, while imagination busies itself in filling the gaps. And imagination tends to draw on other memories from nearby to add colour to our re-shaping of the past. So that the past is no longer a chaperone. One who constrains us.
The past becomes our servant. One we take hold of. One we examine again and again, if we are fortunate enough to take an interest. And so, memory is ours to accompany as we walk through time with every instant of times past passing into the territory of what once was. The present only a fast-moving speck on the radar of our life and the future stretching ahead of us unknown and seemingly imagined in ever decreasing circles as we age.
The past gets bigger and bigger with each passing year, and it becomes a heaviness we must carry unless we compartmentalise and divide it up in our experience and no longer give it the power of the chaperone the one who wants to contain and constrain us, but let it run free, in the contained spaces of our imaginations. We will only bring it out if it suits some calling from our need to put it into words, whether written or spoken. When it serves the purpose of adding colour and meaning to our lives. No longer a controlling chaperone but a curious companion.