Final diagnosis and first post

A tub of yoghurt followed by two horse pills is my breakfast these days. All washed down with one or two cups of tea.

IMG_2396Don’t be fooled by the size. These ‘horse’ pills are bigger than you think.

By the time one of them hits the back of my throat it turns sideways, even as I put it into my mouth pointy end forward.

To swallow one is to gag and then gulp down mouthfuls of water before they finally settle somewhere in my stomach.

I feared I was on the control dose, by the absence of taste. They taste like nothing, just the faint tang of plastic, but the woman who asks me questions and runs me through tests told me the pills are made in a factory to certain specifications and all the pills, whether the real thing or the control, are made to taste the same.

I had hoped I’d be on the real thing, not the placebo.

I had hoped I might observe remarkable changes in my cognition, in my memory, in my ability to perform these Lumosity type tasks that the researchers set every time I visit the Swinburne University where the tests take place.

The pills are meant to contain a mint extract, and the hypothesis follows that this extract will improve cognitive functioning in people over fifty.

I haven’t noticed any deterioration, but as for improvement, there’s none there either.

I agreed to participate in this study, not only for the altruism of giving back to the community via scientific research, but also because they offered an MRI as part of the procedure.

A free MRI. I can establish once and for all that my brain is okay.

In the waiting room at the department for psychopharmacology, the drawing board near reception is filled to the brim with notices of rooms for rent and requests for participation in other research projects.

There are many that deal with so-called mental health.

‘Do you know of or live with someone who suffers from bi-polar disorder? We’d like to talk to you as part of our research into the condition.’

I cringe. I have an aversion to the use of psychiatric jargon. People use these expressions often these days. So and so has bi-polar, as if it’s a concrete and physical disability, like being born blind or suffering from cancer.

So and so has depression. I much prefer people turn these nouns into verbs. I reckon it’s more helpful and meaningful to say, ‘So and so is depressed’.

It has something to do with the reductive nature of these psychiatric categories. When used as nouns they speak about a person as a category.

When we say someone has lung cancer, in our mind’s eye we hone in on the horrors of the cancer, the difficulties of breathing.

We might ask the standard stereotypical question where lung cancer is involved, ‘Did she smoke?’ but we do not assume more about the person. The person still has an identity that goes beyond their diagnosis.

But when we say someone has schizophrenia, for instance, it’s as if their identity is subsumed under the label, and they cease to be a person beyond their diagnosis.

We like to label people and things. It helps us to get a grip on them, but it’s dangerous as well.

The fantasy seems to be if you get the diagnosis right, correct treatment automatically follows.

I’ve been running through reruns of that TV series House, about a grumpy doctor and diagnostician who works in a busy New Jersey hospital.

The stories tend to be formulaic and dramatic. They start with someone unexpectedly falling ill, or having an accident. The person is rushed into hospital and for some strange reason, generally to do with difficulties in diagnosis as to the cause of the problem, Dr House and his team are called in to give a diagnosis.

They start off with hunches based on symptoms, then treat according to those hunches, one of which invariably leads the person to have a heart attack, a stroke or some other major episode in which we are led to believe this person will die.

The person rarely dies, only survives and amazingly, the next day they discover the real cause, which might be a tumour, or some internal bleed, or some unspoken decision on the part of the patient to confess to having done something he or she hadn’t owned up to earlier, like taking cocaine, or LSD or some other illegal substance that’s made them sick.

House’s philosophy is that patients always lie.

The body, on the other hand, obeys certain procedures and from time to time the camera peeks inside, via fantastical imagery of what goes on inside a blood vessel, a pumping heart, or wasted lungs.

Is it that people lie? Or do they omit information or construct a story around events so that they don’t disappoint their loved ones, or don’t get into trouble with the law?

People, myself inclusive, reinvent themselves in order to present their best selves, or their worst selves if that’s their inclination, but in any case, it’s an attempt to reconstruct some sense of themselves that meets the needs of the moment.

I’m reconstructing my identity with this move, and I’m fearful some won’t recognise me.  Hopefully you do.


In any case, whether you’re here from my old place or visiting for the first time, welcome.

11 thoughts on “Final diagnosis and first post”

  1. The new site looks lovely, and I’ve added it to my blogroll so you won’t be lost to me! I really liked this post, too. I’ve always hated calling my daughter Sophie “an epileptic” as opposed to her “having epilepsy.” I think you’ve explained why.

  2. Good morrow, Elisabeth.

    This website of yours is easy to find and quite ‘normal’ and hopefully your MRI scan will be normal too. (Don’t ask me what NORMAL is please … cos I dinna know).

    I put a marker in my Favourites list and will keep an eye on you as of today.

    Cheers, Phil.

  3. I reckon my MRI is normal, Philip. I had the first of two several weeks ago and they assured me they’d send the results to my GP if there was anything untoward.

    Thanks for visiting my new house.

  4. The naming of things. In the book I’m working on just now the protagonist (Jim) suffers from amnesia but what kind? There are so many. He writes, “The one we eventually lumped for was hysterical amnesia which, granted, is usually fleeting in nature but it can last for ever. It did feel necessary to settle upon a label but we both knew it wasn’t the snuggest of fits…” His psychologist simply states, “Yours is the torchon of foie gras PB&J of amnesias.” Naming sets limits. I say to you, “There’s a dog,” and immediately you exclude all cats, birds and reptiles—there are certain things a dog should be—and so I don’t mind using ‘depression’ as a noun even if it is imprecise. In my review of Matt Haig’s book on depression, I wrote, “[A]s I read through Matt’s book I started to realise very quickly that his experiences of depression and my experiences of depression were very different. He’s not a depressive like me. And here’s why: If you’ve met one person with depression you’ve met one person with depression. Stephen Shore said that about autism. You can say the same about every mental illness out there. No two of us are alike. Anyone who says, ‘I know what you’re going through,’ may be sincere in what they say and even believe what they say but NO ONE knows what you’re going through.” Still I find it of some help to have a name for what I have only nowadays what I have isn’t really depression and I miss the label. When someone asks what’s wrong with you and you reel off a list of symptoms it feels like you’re making it up; if it was real it’d have a name.

    On the subject of lying my views are quite clear: I believe lying is our default setting. By ‘lying’ I mean inaccuracy. I just made a comment on Ken Armstrong’s blog, “If you asked me just now how I’m feeling (and pressed me to expand on ‘crap’ which is my default setting most days) I would struggle to concisely express how I am. […] It’s what I like about fictional characters—if you say someone’s happy then that’s what they are, nothing more and nothing less. No one asks the omniscient narrator if he’s certain.” The online me is a fabrication—I’ve never pretended otherwise—and yet even though you’ve met me in person you still don’t know the real me; you have an impression and it will be somewhat accurate. Even the most compulsive of liars sometimes tell the truth.

    1. It’s lovely to see you here, Jim and to read your thoughts, as ever wide ranging in depth and filled with the story of the you who isn’t really you but then again, who is.

    1. Dearest Kass, it’s simply delightful to have you here in my house. It was such a challenge to move, but I thought it was high time. Hopefully the amenities here are more conducive to conversation.

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