My cousin died ten days ago from leukemia. She was only three weeks older than me
with twin sons, my youngest daughter’s age, and an older daughter.
with twin sons, my youngest daughter’s age, and an older daughter.
In my book she was too young to die and
her family are in a state of shock.
her family are in a state of shock.
We were close as children. My sister and I stayed with my cousin’s family often during the
holidays, holidays that for me were some of the best times of my life – to be away from the troubles in my own family, to be free of fear, and for once, however briefly, to live with a ‘normal’ family, or so
my cousin’s family seemed to me at the time.
holidays, holidays that for me were some of the best times of my life – to be away from the troubles in my own family, to be free of fear, and for once, however briefly, to live with a ‘normal’ family, or so
my cousin’s family seemed to me at the time.
The best of it, in my child’s mind, my cousin’s family lived in a double
storey house with a laundry chute in the upstairs bathroom that ran all the way
downstairs and outside into a washing basket under the back veranda.
storey house with a laundry chute in the upstairs bathroom that ran all the way
downstairs and outside into a washing basket under the back veranda.
I never dared, but I liked to imagine myself crawling into
the chute and sliding down through the house into the ether.
the chute and sliding down through the house into the ether.
The chute began as a box on the bathroom floor with a flat lid. It held a mysterious quality. From outside in the
laundry I could look up at the exit. To me it offered a whole other
dimension, rather like a sanitised poo hole.
laundry I could look up at the exit. To me it offered a whole other
dimension, rather like a sanitised poo hole.
To add to it, my cousin’s father kept indoor tropical fish. He installed a rectangular fish tank in an internal wall between two rooms so that, as if by magic, you could see into
the tank from two directions.
the tank from two directions.
My sister and I spent what now seems like hours watching these tropical fish in iridescent blues,
turquoise and yellow as they swam in everlasting circles through their fish tank
life.
turquoise and yellow as they swam in everlasting circles through their fish tank
life.
I felt a strange thrill whenever one of the fish released a thin black strand from what I imagined to be its bottom. Fish
shitting. The longer the strand the better.
shitting. The longer the strand the better.
My cousin was older than me by only three weeks and yet
she seemed much older. She was a
first born and assumed an authority I lacked as sixth born. She bossed us all around, not in an
awful way as I recall but with the clear authority of her first born and
sisterly status.
she seemed much older. She was a
first born and assumed an authority I lacked as sixth born. She bossed us all around, not in an
awful way as I recall but with the clear authority of her first born and
sisterly status.
I might have
resented it at times but in those days I was too timid to stand up to anyone
outside of my own family.
resented it at times but in those days I was too timid to stand up to anyone
outside of my own family.
I can see the fish tank still and my aunt giving
instructions to my cousin to whip the cream for dessert. My cousin was masterful in her ability to whip cream; to get
it just right, the firm texture with just enough sugar and a splash of vanilla
essence, but now she is gone and all I have are my mottled memories.
instructions to my cousin to whip the cream for dessert. My cousin was masterful in her ability to whip cream; to get
it just right, the firm texture with just enough sugar and a splash of vanilla
essence, but now she is gone and all I have are my mottled memories.