The dangers of doing good

Heat radiated up from the concrete footpath through the soles of my sandals and onto my feet. I knew I should have worn rubber-soled sandshoes for the extra protection they gave but they covered too much surface area on top and did not breathe. 

All morning on the radio there were reports of bushfires throughout country Victoria. Even the Dandenongs were under threat. 

I had looked across to the edge of the horizon in the gaps between houses and imagined I could see the glow of fire in the distance, or at least the smoke. I could smell smoke. And not just the residue of the burned toast from breakfast, nor of my father’s cigarettes in the hallway. This was a different type of smoke. This smoke stuck in your nose and left you feeling you were in danger. 

There was nothing to worry about, for us in built up areas my brothers had said, fire would not travel into built up areas. 

Why ever not? Hadn’t they heard of the Great Fire of London, the one Samuel Pepys wrote about in his diary, the one where more than half of the city of London went up in smoke.

‘But that was centuries ago,’ my brother said when I reminded him of the story. ‘And the houses were all made of wood and set cheek by jowl. It’s not like that today.’

Maybe not, I thought to myself but there were other dangers closer to home. 

I wanted to walk in the shady side of the street but by the middle of the day with the sun immediately overhead there was no shade, only the relentless yellow orb blazing down. Most of the year I loved the summer time. The freedom of movement it offered, the long periods of daylight and the summer holidays but here we were two weeks before school went back and I found myself dreading the thought of more heat. If only the promised cool change would come and I could stop worrying about going up in smoke, not only our house, the houses around us but me as well and other people. 

Death by fire was not a death I could think about for long before it became unthinkable and my thoughts ran on to Mrs White in the old people’s home. Mrs White the woman in her eighties whom I had chosen to visit one day after the parish priest told my mother a good way to get your daughters from worrying about things at home is to get them out there doing good deeds. 

‘They can help other people and why not start where you work, at the old people’s home.’

We did not grace older people with honorarium such as ‘senior citizen’ or the elderly, they were old people and with the label went all other insults imaginable, the sense of being past it. Of no further relevance. 

People like Mrs White, who told me she had no family left as she had never had children of her own and her nieces and nephews were all spread throughout Australia and had no time for the likes of her. 

It made me wonder in the first instance about the cruelty of these people who could so neglect their elderly aunt and then about Mrs White. 

I was no judge of character then, though I thought it best to trust my instincts and to go for the person in the ward who best represented someone I could help. I imagined a friendly warm person on the receiving end of my ministrations but Mrs White, who looked for all the world as though she would be gentle, turned out to be bitter and cantankerous and demanding. 

Once I chose her as my target each week, the one I should go back to visit again and again, I was trapped. I decided to ignore her taciturn ways and make the most of my visits as though I were like my namesake Saint Elisabeth of Hungary who cared for the sick and the poor and who sought nothing in return. I tried to figure out what it was Father Brackyn the parish priest had imagined might work so well for me and my sister through this process and how it might take our minds off worries at home with our father raging and drunk in his corner of the house. 

Beyond Farm Road the bitumen pathway turned to grass and it was not so hot on the soles of feet though in parts the ground was lumpy and the rhythm of my walking adjusted to take in the occasional unexpected rise and fall of the ground. 

I needed to walk the full length of the old people’s home when you approached from the seaside end of Warrigal Road and it took another ten minutes before I reached the entrance then down the sloping gravel path to the red brick building that housed the several old people who were waiting there to die, or so my brothers said. 

My mother worked at the old people’s home, as a cleaner mostly, but one of her jobs was to go through the old people’s effects after they had died. She could then decide what should happen to these objects, spectacles, gloves, scarves, hats, dentures, the works, only when there was no family left to collect them, or even when there was family most did not want this stuff. It could go to the local opportunity shop or the rubbish bin but not before my mother had retrieved the things she might find useful at our place, things we kids despised for their old people smell and feel and sense of general uselessness attached to spectacles designed for one person’s eyes that could not be adjusted to suit my mother’s eyes and other personal objects, even wrist watches, which in those days were still considered precious but to us another person’s watch, unless that person was close to you, felt like wearing someone else’s underwear.

Mrs White sat beside her bed dressed in her lacy pink matinee jacket over a thick white nightie too think for this weather, but old people felt the cold my mother had told me often enough. There was a large jug of water by her bedside and more than once during the course of my visit a nursing assistant came by and told her to keep up her fluids. 

Mrs White sipped only one or two drops before going back to her sour, dry non communicative stare that left me having to make all the conversation.

‘Did you bring my antacid powder?’ she asked. ‘The one I told you about.’

I had it there tucked away in my dress pocket. A blue and white roll of white tablets that I tried once before from my mother’s stash. De Witte’s antacid tablets for her digestion.

Nothing agreed with Mrs White, neither food nor company, nor the efforts of a fifteen-year-old schoolgirl who tried to bring a sparkle of sunshine into her world, not for Mrs White’s sake but for the girl’s own because as the parish priest had told my mother. When things are most difficult, it’s always good to look towards helping others more needy.

And so began the mantra of my life.

St Nicholas the patron saint of good deeds.

One thought on “The dangers of doing good”

  1. There were few old people in my life growing up, just one or two members of the congregation. Elizabeth Gray scared me a little. She was born in 1893 and I could never could never get over that as a kid, someone from another century. Which I now am. She was a tiny, grouchy woman and, I learned much later, a concert pianist which I still struggle to picture given her diminuive stature. The last time I saw her she had severe dementia and thought I was my dad. I wrote this shortly before her death:


    Sympathy and Apathy
    sat side by side in
    the old folks’ home,
    neither knowing what
    they were doing there.
    Not really.

    (for Elizabeth Gray)

    4 September 1983

    I turned sixty-four a few days ago. Don’t feel sixty-four. More like seventy-six most days and yet there’s still a confused teenager inside me wondering who the old fart is in the mirror in the mornings. I have no problems being old. I know there are people my age who still thing of themselves as middle-aged but who’re they kidding?

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