You cannot trust her

A cousin of mine has died.  I did not know him well.  The last time I saw him we were
children.  My mother stays in touch
with his parents but we cousins have lost all contact.  He was living in Queensland but I know
nothing else at this stage other than that he was dead for four days before
they found him and the police said there were no suspicious circumstances, or
words to that effect.  He died of
natural cases. 

To me there is something
horrendous about the idea of dying alone, not so much the fact of dying itself
but of being left unburied or non-cremated, left unattended after death.   To be found eventually in a state
of decay. 
I once wrote a short story about
this, in the early days when I first began to tackle the short story form and
made the mistake of giving it to my husband to read.  He was furious with me after he had
read the story because to him it lacked any redeeming features and disturbed him too much.
It was a good lesson for me in that
I stopped asking my husband to read my writing in early drafts.  People talk about the need to have your
‘best’ reader for early drafts of your writing, someone whom you can trust to
be honest about the writing, someone able to make constructive suggestions
about how to improve it, not someone who will undermine your efforts, or, almost
worse still, someone who will praise your writing to the heavens without
observing how and whether the piece is working.
I have a couple of friends to whom
I send early drafts of my writing, one to whom I send fiction, another to whom
I send my more non-fictional efforts. 
Both approach the task in different ways.
First up though, I call on my upon reader
self.  She is unreliable.  I
cannot trust her.  As much as I cannot trust our former dog – the one we call the bronze heeler.  He offers nothing other than an image of the real thing.

Doubtless, you’ve heard the
expression: ‘murder your darlings’? 
It’s hard to murder your darlings without an accomplice, someone who
will tell you what darlings need to be killed off.  On my own I am not good at detecting such perils in my
writing.  My darlings seduce me
into thinking they should stay.  I should
spare them, if not for now, then for later.
 I read recently that someone has decided to promote October
as the month in which you only buy what you need month.  For some reason this notion appeals to
me.  The idea is that every time
you go to make a purchase in October you ask yourself the question: Do I really
need this?  And if you do not, then you return the item to the shelves. 
If I could apply the same principle
to my writing, I might never create the darlings I would later need to kill off.
 On the other hand, for a writer
not to allow whatever emerges to creep onto the page might be problematic.  It’s better to have darlings to kill off than to have nothing at all. 

And here again I think of my cousin, gone now.  I do not know whether he had a family of his own beyond his family of origin.  I only know that at the time of his death he was isolated and perhaps all too easily forgotten.   

Among her seventy two reasons why writers
write, Margaret Atwood includes one about memorialising the past.  It’s our way of keeping on going after
we are gone, in the written word. 
The trouble is so many of our words will get buried under the weight of
the world’s words.  
Given that the Internet never forgets, these words could be a tribute to my unnamed cousin.  I hope someone somewhere cares enough to remember him better than I can here.

An army of ants

The other night as I sat at my
computer struggling to write a short story that held none of the promise of my
dreams, a small army of ants rushed up to my key board and spread out across my
desk. 
And do you know, I squashed them
all with my thumb, every one of them squashed flat under my thumb.  I did it out of instinct and in a
hurry, intent on making sure that not one single ant survived because by now I
had decided these were the scout ants, the ones who go out in advance of the
troops to survey the land for food and I did not want any other ants to invade
my desk. 
I could not find a local ant to photograph and so I offer an image of my weapon of destruction. 
Only now do I consider the
heartlessness of my actions, but when it comes to ants I can be ruthless and
why is this so?
 If it were a spider or a beetle, I would have used a tissue
and collected the creature, and put it out the door.  But not so the ants. 
Mind you, I’m not sure how I’d have
handled an avalanche of spiders. I might well have run from the room.  I’m not scared of spiders as a rule but
a group of ten of them advancing from behind my computer screen would be worse
than any of the unexpected and negative events that happen in my dreams. 
This puts me in mind of the asylum
seeker debate here in Australia which preoccupies me at the moment. I suspect
there are folks who regard refugees rather in the same way as I considered
those ants, with fear and loathing, mostly because they are seen as enemy
aliens to be gotten rid of or avoided. 
The asylum seeker issue is copping
a battering in Australia at the moment because the government has been trying
to pass legislation that will allow so-called off shore processing, say in
places like Malaysia, as a way of preventing people smugglers from taking the
refugees’ money and shipping them out to Australia in leaky boats, two of which
have recently capsized and sunk with the loss of many lives.  And also of stopping the uninvited influx of refugees from invading our shores.  What an irony when you consider what happened to our indigenous people a couple of centuries ago.   
I know it is a political issue, and
a complex one, and that many people have different perspectives so I can only
speak for myself.  I can understand
why many are reluctant to make room for these strangers.  I know that I too often prefer the
cosiness of the in-group, especially when I’m included in it, but if we lock
people out, desperate people who have nowhere else to go, out of fear or greed
or sheer ignorance then what sort of world are we creating for our young ones?
I sound like a cliché and must get
off this topic.  I hate to
preach.  For days I’ve been
following this argument on Jennifer Wilson’s blog, No place for sheep, and I’m
stunned at the vitriol that gets poured into the debate now being waged among
seemingly intelligent and thoughtful folk. 
Some actually abuse one another
online.  Moron, dick head, idiot
etc.  These words when spoken don’t
trouble me one bit, but when I read them online I get a shock when they are
directed at one another in the course of an argument.   In written form they hold more weight.  And not all the people arguing are men,
I understand, perhaps more prone to flaming.  There are some women – or people who identify themselves so
– who use this language. 
I say this because I’m still
thinking of Plastic Mancunian’s post about the differences between men and
women, how men when faced with an issue want to solve it and women more or less
want to talk it over, talk it through, get some empathy rather than have the
problem solved in an instant.
That’s my take on the issue related
to asylum seekers.  We need to
think about it more, but there seems to be this push to take action.  Granted it’s been going on for years
now and there’s a fear and expectation that many more people will die on those
leaky boats, but what other choice do they have?  Their lives are desperate and coming here even if it kills
them seems to be their only hope. I can understand that.
And now I think of my ants.  I killed them effortlessly and can
rationalise that ants are not sentient beings.  They will not have suffered on their quick exit, but we are
hopefully more likely to identify with human beings who need our help now
however different from us they might seem to be.  
Most of us know what it’s like at
times to feel desperate, but there are degrees.   And for a heart stopping take on this, especially from paragraph four down, I send you back
to Jennifer Wilson’s latest post on quiet desperation.  Some of you will understand this
well.